This is his testament, to show that Jack can be more stoned than Shigeru Miyamoto any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
Capos
Bowser's illegitimate, fucked up children. While it would seem like nepotism runs rampant within the Koopa Crime Family, do not underestimate these motherfuckers. They can all kick your ass from Grass Land to Pipe Land and still have time to beat you to death with god damn dodge balls.
Except Larry.
Larry can eat lead and die.
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The Buttonmen
The low-ranking soldiers serving on the streets for the Koopa crime syndicate.
When Bowser was a small time drug kingpin working on the mean streets of the Mushroom Kingdom during the first installment in the Mario series, he had a large amount of thugs and gangstas within his crew, walking aimlessly around the inner city. He owned the streets with his swarms of drug pushers, which followed only the orders of the Don sent from one of his many castle locations around the Mushroom Kingdom.
Since the first Super Mario Brothers, one would think that the Koopa crime family would be finished, what with the Don falling into a pit of lava eight times. But none of those times managed to do harm to his sperm count, and this leads to seven capos of the Koopa blood line to expand the crime family to new profitable heights.
Along with the influx of children born out of wedlock, this also leads to a spurt of new forms of buttonmen spanning across the globe, from old classics to completely new hitmen formed from scraping the bottom of the barrel of crime in the Mushroom World.
Here is a briefing on all of the types of buttonmen serving under the Don.
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Items
The various items that have the ability to give Mario superpowers beyond unclogging toilets clogged with used condoms.
One of the funnest new additions to the Super Mario Brothers formula came to it in Super Mario Brothers III, the last in the saga, in the form of items. Without the items, Mario is just another plumber who is NOT going to a castle and is NOT going to make love and is NOT going to be a viable sex icon as he is with his items. With more shit to kill comes more shit to kill every one of the Don's buttonmen with. Mario can only become Super Mario with items and your helpful donations to the Mario fund through skilled hand dexterity achieved through rigorous practice with a magazine and a shower capable of cleaning up your sinful mess. Therefore, here is both a tribute and a description of all the kinky sex toys, drugs and most importantly, the pimp suits that make Mario the lovable mass murderer of turtles, mushrooms and generally anything walking on his path.
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Mushroom World Geography
Visiting the many cribs of the most notorious crime lizards in the 8-bit world...
In the Mushroom World, they don't bullshit around with making about 50 different countries in the same area of land just to make people happy. In our world, there are at least five hundred different countries in the Middle East - in the Mushroom Worlds varient of the Middle East, they say, "Fuck all you whiners who want to feel special by having your own country" and just name the whole damn thing "Desert Land", due to the fact it is all desert. Lots of water in an area, you say? Well, how about not dividing it up into seven large regions for us to be forced to remember during high school geography tests. Lets just lump the whole thing together and call it the most unbelievabe oxymoron, "Water Land". This is the philosophy of mushroom people everywhere. Lets just have 7-8 countries based on their geography and/or what special things are located within them and let it be that. This lead to many cultural problems, of course, and sure many people were killed during death matches that occured between two citizens of a land of opposing cultural values, but who failed a Geography test in the Mushroom World? Only the people who used their test to roll their hashish.
So, through my cunning ability to pleasure a select few interns and bribe a few of Toad's relatives with ample supplies of gay pornography, I was able to get myself all the top secret dossiers used by the Mushroom Kingdom government on all the countries in the Mushroom World. Much virginity was lost and many homos were exploited in obtaining this information.
This is the Mushroom Kingdom Geography Handbook. Bitch.
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