| INTRODUCTION |
The never-before-seen files of the dark history of the Mario Brothers adventures during their NES golden age.
PROLOGUE
During World War II, the Japanese attempted to take over the world in order to force it to stop laughing at how much its country looks like the horribly botched prostate exam of the Asian continent. A few atomic bombs and a few FDR speeches about the geographical detached wang later, the war was over, and Japan becomes just another episode in "Behind the Despot: Sex, Drugs and Military Tradition."
Initially, the aftermath of the war left many citizens of Japan starved of food and supplies needed for survival. Back in 1945, the world had no cure for depression as they do in modern times, so most of the menacing little yellow race committed suicide. But, luckily for them, the Cold War began faster than you can say, "Josef Stalin is a big red schlong", which meant U.S. servicemen were still needed to kill communist ninjas somewhere in Siam, which meant that Japan was all fine as long as they weren't building evil Stalin robots, which meant the United States was willing to just unzip it's pants and hold hands with Japan to to take collective piss on Lenin to share a fond capitalist moment. But more importantly, this meant that the United States of America needed one prized Japanese resourse - lesbian bondage pornography. Troops needed to march in fully jacked if they were going to have anything on their mind besides their protruding woodies and no Rita Hayworth photos to ease their reproductive desires. Japan, wearing a giant strap-on dilldo, triumphantly answered the call. In fact, the post-war economy of Japan, along with 96% of the gross domestic product, was based entirely on lesbian bondage pornography.
Although being able to say you're country is willing to lick eachothers clits if it means playing the field of world capitalism gave Japan national bragging rights, it also meant that whenever the market was hit, it was felt by all. When "Muffzilla vs. King Dong" got bad reviews from overseas servicemen and generally failed to sell, the country sank into chaos and disorder, with lesbian-related suicide rising to unprecedented levels. The ultimate shock came to the market when an American company bought out one of Japan's most popular re-occuring lesbian sitcoms, changing the wild sexy Japanese teenagers into an unrealistically clean-cut American virgin family. With all the testosterone and raw whack-off potential sucked from it, "Leave it to Beaver" became one of America's most celebrated television shows, but became one of Japan's greatest national losses.
Japan long since waited for another phenominon like Cold War pornography. It came to one teenaged Japanese youth one day in the form of an overweight plumber with overalls.
Like most messiahs, Shigeru Miyamoto thought of his idea under the influence of LSD. After hearing about the successes of the Atari from various American CIA operatives who were searching for the remaining undestroyed copies of "E.T. - the Extra Terrestrial", Shigeru thought to himself, "Dude. Pictures that move? Dude." He began to re-wire his toaster in order to turn it into a new revolutionary gaming system.
After getting kicked out of his wives house for destroying the toaster, he went to the local supermarket and stole the pizza oven which often served its patrons with taste tests of revolutionary grocery products, delivering a quick "Yoink!" to the victim.
This time, Miyamoto was able to mix the correct amount of LSD and his vague aquired knowledge of electric kitchen appliances to create what would be called the NES - the Nintendo Entertainment System. This system would be the stage for the real life saga that involved plumbers and royalty. Angst and turtles. The rise and fall of criminal underworlds. Toads that look like penises. The secret bounty inside your septic tank. Tropical shit plants. The golden age of Mario. This is the Super Mario Brothers saga.
SUPER MARIO BROTHERS PART III
THE KOOPA COSA NOSTRA
A revealing glimpse into the sociology of the notorious Koopa organized crime family.
After nearly half a decade, the notorious feud between the ambitious King Koopa and Mario ended with King Koopa going 0-8 against a smoldering pit of lava. Mario probably thought he'd never see a dumb ass like that again, mainly because somebody like that usually is the type of person you see who dies from fucking a telephone poll to death. So Mario went to bed for awhile. You might think, "Hey, if somehow King Koopa survived being horribly scorched to death eight times by lava, this would be a perfect time to strike, when Mario is sleeping for at least five years!" But obviously, you don't know King Koopa. King Koopa is too cool to be wasting his 1980's away trying to capture a bunch of faggoty mushroom children.
So, according to my own conjecture, King Koopa took this time to find himself during the nanosecond culture of the materialist 80's. As Mario tested the integrity of his rubber pants during his nightmares involving pro-choice dinosaurs with kinky red ribbons and carnivorous frogs, King Koopa signed as the second vocalist for the rock band, "U2". Although the band merely hired him for something entertaining to watch while they were stoned, his rendition of "Sunday, Bloody Sunday" could be compared to hearing a woman giving birth to an active volcano. But it was Bono's hatred for King Koopa that finally lead to his infamous name change when Bono shouted at him one day, after he drank all the Yo J, "You fat bastard! Hey, what kind of name is King Koopa anyway?" as the Edge chimed in with, "I dunno, sounds like the name of a bloody faggot prostitute. Faggot." Knowing King Koopa's shame about his clearly homo name, it eventually proved to be the emotional catalyst that sent him into a drinking binge which eventually evolved to shooting heroin.
When he awoke atop a pile of prostitutes, he looked down at the floor, scattered with liquor bottles, and saw the legal papers for his name change from King Koopa to King BOWSER Koopa. For now on, at least in the United States, he was known as Bowser.
As the effects of his drugs wore off, Bowser had many visions. He envisioned a new crime organization in the Mushroom World. One that didn't only focus on capturing virgin princesses, but extending business to the various geographical lands of the Mushroom Kingdom.
Eventually, Bowser would find he had many children out-of-wedlock, most of them to Courtney Love. But that's no suprise, since a guy who forgets to put his axe back in the tool shed eight times had to have at least forgot to wear a condom seven times.
Seven of them joined him in the family business and started the Koopa family syndicate, each of them excelling in a particular sector of criminal activity. Eventually, all the magic wands in the various countries within the Mushroom World were lost to the corrupt Koopa mafia in high-stakes games of Vegas Candyland and/or were stolen and sold to the local Koopa dealer by a heroin addict working on the inside with a debt to pay (*cough* TOAD *cough*). After turning all the kings of the land into various animals, that basically left them to shit on the floor as Toad grudgingly cleaned it up as the Koopa Kids through liquor bottles at him. Seperate, they were weak, but together, they were a force that controlled entire local governments through treachery, bribes and even murder. Which is why Bowser went to such lengths to seperate them, because if they couldn't, like, get a few hits on Mario before they died, at least it was a free post-birth abortion.
Bowser was always trying new evil experiments. This time, he didn't allow his children to linger around inside the palace eating all the mushroom peoples food. Soon, Koopa Troopa scientists came up with an innovative airship for Bowsers children to ride, have friends over, host keggers, etc. Bowser loved the idea so much that he had to add his ten cents to the projects development, which ultimently lead to the following design errors...
- Bowser demanded that each airship had an anchor. Any scientist that suggested the idea of having some sort of hover-in-place device was devoured. Any scientist that suggested this anchor have an electrified rope so someone couldn't happen to climb up it and kill the inhabitants was devoured alive.
- Bowser suggested, to cut costs, the entire airship be made out of wood. Which made it look really homo and gives his brethren tons of slivers.
- Rather than have the staff of the ship be staffed by Koopa Troopas with large stockpiles of AK-47's purchased from the Soviets, Bowser decides to have ninja mechanics called "Rocky Wrenches" fight the battles. You see, after the mechanics are done fixing the leaking refridgerator or whatever, they jump up and throw ninja wrenches at Mario! While these fighters were fairly annoying, especially if they were the ones that took multiple fractures to the skull, using a wrench as a weapon is almost as retarded as using a picture of Wendy O. Koopa as a masturbation tool.
- Often, Bowser made the ship so difficult to navigate around that his Koopa Kids could never really leave their room.
- After his 5th viewing of the Matrix, an emotionally charged Bowser decided that all canonballs on the airship be equipped with systems that slowed down to make the ship look "more Matrix-y." Although the constantly-going-off slow motion Bullet Bills and canonballs looked pretty damn futuristic, it kind of ruins the point to install a great deal of canons if the bullets they shoot fail to even kill passing seagulls, let alone overweight plumbers. The anti-gravity canonball technology cost Bowser overall about $32 trillion, not including the cost it took to prevent Issac Newton from rising from the grave and killing many people in outrage. Many great Koopa Troopa scientists were devoured trying to explain the stupidity of this idea to Bowser.
- You know how when retarded little kids get really excited after watching wrestling, they try to emulate it, only to find out that the family cat can't exactly take a piledriver through a coffee table? Well, in many ways, Bowser has the spirit of that retarded little kid. After viewing the movie "Speed" for the 8th time, Bowser got so god damn excited that, instead of taking Dr. Koopa Troopa #3's pleading and begging to go watch "Speed II", Bowser decided to bring the aspect of "Speed" to the airship project. So, if one of his Koopa Kapos got iced by another wise guy, the ship dramatically exploded. This would be a good idea had Bowser decided that rather than explode, it would first just sort of blink THEN later on explode, assuming that Bowser didn't install any further Physics-defying machinery to prevent this. Thus allowing for the true murderer to fall safely to the castle and not have his legs crushed by the sheer force of gravity. Even if one of the Koopa Kids died of natural causes, this would have happened to. I never quite played the game long enough to the point where I would run outside the castle on Toad's advice to find a smoldering crash site with Morton Koopa Jr.'s charred corpse frozen in death position, clutching his heart with one hand and a McRibb sandwich in the other. Anyway, the initiative ended up having next to nothing to do with the movie "Speed" and proving to the intellectuals in the Koopa Troopa community that Bowser had all the intelligence of a urine-soaked Thrift Store sofa. But as long as Bowser was hungry, his consideration of criticism was about the same as his consideration for eating you.
In conclusion, Bowser is about as bad a creative consultant as he is a PR representative for lizardkind everywhere. But nobody ever told him that he was a fucking idiot - which is why the Super Mario Brothers saga is one of the worlds most powerfully retarded tragedies.
Nonetheless, these airships became the new political centers of the various lands of the Mushroom World, with these seven ruthless capos ruling all criminal activity under the guiding hand of their Boss and Koopafather, King Bowser Koopa. It was an ingenious plan used many times throughout our own history, such as the time when Adolph Hitler stole the enforcing Magic Wand of Germany and turned Paul von Hindenberg into an old, confused man to become Fuhrer. But Koopa's mafia never really had a knack for public service (the only one with prior experience being Larry, with his 60 hours of court-ordered public service for urinating in a retirement home while shouting "PAUL IS DEAD"). But even with no experience in politics, they ruled their respective domains with unprecedented control in criminal activity. Until Mario woke up.
MARIO'S AWAKENING
I imagine Mario woke up to exclaim, in a stereotypical Italian dialect, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?"
With everyone wanting to buy Mario a drink in the Mushroom Kingdom after the first defeat of King Koopa, it's understandable that Mario failed to wake up for at least five years. By the end of Super Mario II, Peach was no longer laying naked in bed next to Mario and probably decided to let herself out long ago.
So, after enough sleep that could have probably been considered a legal coma, Mario finally awakes. Assuming that manicures and barbers came in every week and made sure his physical appearence was maintained (just like Lenin), Mario awoke fresh and ready to start a new day. But Mario noticed something was wrong from just the fact that he no longer had a house, and it had been replaced by a gigantic "START" sign. And from here, I'll let the official Super Mario Brothers III manual explain to you the details...
Excerpts from the Official Manual...
<<<The Mushroom Kingdom has been a peaceful place thanks to the brave deeds of
Mario and Luigi. The Mushroom Kingdom forms an entrance to the Mushroom World
where all is not well. Bowser has sent his 7 children to make mischief as they
please in the normally peaceful Mushroom World. They stile the royal magic
wands from each country in the Mushroom World and used them to turn their
kings into animals. Mario and Luigi must recover the royal magic wands from
Bowser's 7 kids and return the kings to their true forms. "Goodbye and good
luck!," said the Princess and Toad as Mario and Luigi set off on their journey
deep into the Mushroom World.
"We took 7 wands from the 7 kings. Each of us has one. Our father has
instructed us to protect the wands.">>>
Just like our world, the Mushroom World is ruled by dictoral kings and magic wands. But other then that, this is a fabricated version of what went down, for it was lightened so the words "cocksucking dinosaur" and "bitch" weren't in the U.S. version of this manual, due to the fact bad words, although universally known, make kids shoot their teachers. So I'm going to give you yet another more real translation of this manual...
Translation of the Official Manual...
<<<The Mushroom Kingdom has been a peaceful place during Mario's prolonged
hangover from the "Bowser is Dead" celebration, aided by strong numbers on
Wall Street. The Mushroom Kingdom forms an entrance to the Mushroom World
where all hell is breaking loose. That cocksucking dinosaur, King Bowser
Koopa, is back and has brought his seven children, raised on Sicilian mafia
ethics, to bring the rest of the world in control of the goodfellas by
stealing all the magic wands from the incompetent foreign leaders. Mario
is ordered to recover the royal magic wands from the Don Bowser's capos
and return the kings to their true, non-animal forms. "Now get the fuck out
there," said the Princess and Toad. Mario quietly muttered, "Bitch."
"What was that?" asked the Princess. "A-nothing," retorted Mario. And then
Mario started or Mario and Luigi started, depending if you're playing with
your little sister or not.
"We ripped off 7 wands from the 7 kings. Each of us has one. Our koopafather
has told us that motherfuckers who front are the motherfuckers who are capped.
Legit.">>>
Either you prefer my version or the original version, the message delivered by both is the same - Mario woke up and already was doing things far beyond his job description when he originally took up his job at the Mushroom Kingdom palace. Even though sending in a plumber wasn't necessarily the best idea to settle international disputes, especially when hardly any foreign affairs rely on a diplomat to have skills unclogging toilets with a fireball, Mario was still sent because if the Mario games up to this point have taught us anything about the Mushroom Kingdom armed forces, it's that they are astounding girly men.